Just a bit of this and that...

I'm in front of the mirror again. I don't recognize the girl looking back at me. I reach forward to touch the glass, our fingers meet. I realize we are the same. I look closer, into her eyes. Her emerald eyes lack a sparkle. Life has worn her down and heart breaks have smashed her into pieces. She's trying to pull herself out of the hole she's in, but life keeps shoving her back down. She's strong, but not as strong as she once was. She puts on a pretty mask to hide her face, no one notices her discomfort. She goes on about her day, trying to ignore the grief she feels inside. When she's alone is when the grief rears it's ugly head and the cycle starts all over again.

Today my family and I went out and had lunch with my aunt, uncle and two cousins. We had a good time and I was able to hang out with my cousin Kati at the mall afterwards. I kept my eye open while we were "shopping" as to what I would like for Christmas. My list remained the same for the most part until I got home. I pulled up the animal shelter's website and noticed they had several orange tabby kittens for sale. They're only three dollars to adopt. Oh how I want a kitten. Especially an orange tabby cat. And so I added it to the top of my list. I know I probably won't be getting a cat for Christmas, since my dad is a little allergic and my parents aren't cat people. Well, I say they aren't, neither of them have ever had a cat. I just don't think they want an animal besides a dog. Boo them. I want my cat. And hey, I'm 18, I can get it from the shelter myself. Then there's the whole thing about doctors appointments that I can't afford. Another reason why it's on my Christmas list. I'd also love to have a little pet I can call my own and keep me company in my room or whenever I'm by myself. I need a companion all the time. I think it would help me a bit. My dog is lovely, but he's very spastic and doesn't like to cuddle at all. He usually just nips my feet or rips my pants. Gotta love a shetland sheepdog. Their instincts are real and won't go away. I have a catfish, but he's a fish and he's dangerous.

My room looks it's had an encounter with a tornado again. I'll clean it tomorrow while listening to Debussy, Mozart and Camille Saint Sans. I'm sorry if I miss-spelled any of those.

I miss ballet, I miss singing and I miss acting. I miss painting, drawing and reading. I need to get back in touch with my artistic side. I believe I'm going to pick out 6 different shades of green, a shade of bright pink, some black and a few different shades of purple. I'm going to paint my room and create patterns and probably a mural on the wall. I hope to do this soon, possibly during this long winter break. I'll put pictures up. I'm also thinking about ty-dying white curtains with yellow, lime green, bright pink, and purple. I think it would all look lovely together and bring my room a sense of happiness. Right now it's a light yellow and it's driving me insane. That reminds me, I might also get a bit of gold paint, I think it would look lovely to sponge it in the corners of my walls and a bit on the wall opposite of my window. I could also use the gold on my mirrors and on my curtain rod. Oh, I'm getting excited.

There's a song I've recently heard many times by Jon McLaughlin,it's called Beautiful Disaster. The lyrcs are so real to me, I'll put a few lines up here and explain why they're so close to my heart...

"She loves her mama's lemonade
And hates the sounds that goodbye's make
She prays someday she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her"

Those last three lines are for every guy that's told me I'm perfect and broken my heart. Those last three lines are for every guy that's told me I'm beautiful and turned around months later telling me to lose weight. Those last three lines are for all those broken promises. Those last three lines are for every guy I've opened my life up to, only for him to turn around and abuse it. Those last three lines are so true for many others out there, young and old.

I'm not ashamed to wear my heart on my sleeve, it's who I am. I'm a compassionate person and have an undefined compacity to love and care for people. Though, it's gotten me where I am today. It's okay, I'll find a way out of this dark coma of grief. I can already see the light at the end of the road, no matter how small it seems, I know I'm getting closer every day.