Escaping the Relm of Reality

As I look in the mirror, deep green eyes full of sadness look back at me. The pain runs deep, burning through every vein, stinging my heart. It rushes to my head, thrashing out at my memories, opening what doors have been closed and sealed tight. I can no longer ignore my feelings and emotions anymore, shoving away my memories only seems to make everything worse down the road.

Oh, how I just want to scream and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I wish to see the world around me for all its beauty and wonder. But- I can't get past these memories that bring stabbing tears to the back of my eyes and send chills down my spine.

Why, Why?! Why did it have to end the way it did? Why is it as if you never existed in the first place? The only thing I have left are the emails you sent long ago. You never call or even write to see what's going on. I don't understand how someone so into someone else can pretend like nothing ever happened. Life was so absolutely wonderful and I don't understand why you had to go and end something so very good and healthy for both of us. I got a taste of what it's like to be with someone who was a real man, who treated me like gold and loved me with an unending compacity.

Now, I'm spiraling into my dark abyss again. I don't want to become numb again. I know I deserve better than what I have been revceiving. For now, I'll take each day as it comes.

I wish I was far away in a little house in a woods somewhere. Where the air is damp and everything is lush and green. I wish to have wide, open windows in my little house, allowing nature to come and invade every seam in my life. I wish to breath the clean air and explore to my hearts content. I want a warm fire and a dog at my feet. I also want someone to share this with me. But- for now I'll continue to dream and keep on with my awful college classes.

Anyways, on a lighter note, sort of...

Christmas time! It's finally cold in december in Texas. This rarely ever happens, it's usually about 75 degrees outside on Christmas and I have a feeling this year's will be a cold one! Now, for the snow... It never snows or ices until February and when it does, it's a joke. I've been craving apple pie ever since my mom put some water, orange peels, cloves and nutmeg into a litte pot and heated it up. The house smells like the warm, spice of Christmas. My mom wanted me to make a Christmas wish list today. I have only two things on the list, and they are both very cheap and simple. I just don't really want anything this year. It's probably because of my inward depressed mood. Oh well, I'll get over myself eventually.

I find myself either at the verge of crying or crying when I think about my grandmother. I miss her, even though she's still here, she has Alzheier's. Oh, how I HATE that disease. I miss her jokes, her laughter, her kisses, her hugs. I miss her singing and dancing. I miss how she would say my name in her lovely Italian accent. I miss how she would play with my hair and just hold my hand. I miss the sparkle in her eyes and how her mouth was always turned up in a smile. I miss her rosy cheeks... I miss her stories. I miss her voice.
For now, I have my memories and I know she'll be healed soon enough and I'll see her again when I have drawn in my last breath.

Tomorrow I think I shall take a walk in the cold and allow my body to breath in the chilling air. I'll bring along my camera and sketch book as well. I'll go as far as I need to in order for my head to become clear once again. I might even bake a cake or some brownies. I also need to figure out what I want my major for college to be. I want to do a little bit of everything. Ha!

I've found my writing style has change a bit or just simply matured than my previous posts. I'd say that has to do with the "growing up" I've experienced recently. I've come to the realization that if something happens to my parents, I have to take care of my brothers. Also, if my mom was to come down with Alzheimer's, I would gladly take care of her.

Buona Notte